The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
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