i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
