the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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