I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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