Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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