wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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