I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
