So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
