She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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