Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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