I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
