sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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