I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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