This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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