You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize