i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
