i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
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wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
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I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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