I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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