Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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