he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
