Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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