I wish my penis had an off switch
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
