herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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