Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
