I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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