Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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