i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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