the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
