she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
