I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
