If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
