So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
