my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
