I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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