meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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