We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
