so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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