Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
