My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
