I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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