I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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