i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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