She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
