I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
