i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
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I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
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So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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