I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
