It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
