Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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