the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
