is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
