It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
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Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
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You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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