i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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