i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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