Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
