I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
