i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
